he recorded me cumming with the t-pain app on his iphone
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
Well, it's hard to say. Last night he puked a perfect circle around him on the floor, and then sat in it insisting it would protect him from the smoke monster. He's was still there last time I checked.
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
I won't apologize to a one balled man
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
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