fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
You know, as long as there were ice cream breaks, I would totally eat chips for a living.
I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
Found the puke drawer
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
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