So i decided to deal with the awkwardness of last night by making out with all three of them
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
That was years ago. And it was chlamydia.
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
Randomize
