Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
Ive been tazing him too get him immuned. He will be unstopable.
Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
Randomize
