My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
why is it that everyone in pennsylvannia gets fucking prego??
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
NExt question... Do i wanna sleep under my palm tree
YES.
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
Randomize
