these burps are starting to have way more vomit in them,
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
Forgot to mention there might be a picture of me being thrown in the air while at a Mexican restaurant
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
Randomize
