I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
I'm sorry, but the "Hobbit Slam" has to be a sex move.
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
No. Nooooo. No way. She looked like Amanda Bynes. The recent one not the one from All That.
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
I'm having to shit out rocks
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Randomize
