I don't know what you were told but i for sure didn't sleep with any one but steve's couch.
tonight lets celebrate not being married
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
We bought a pool from walmart at 2am...and to make matters even more white trash we headed to Applebee's for half off appetizers and corona-ritas
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
Nah, he's definitely here somewhere. Whether he survived the night or not is your problem, but I'm pretty sure he's around.
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
Bjs and tacos. That's my life.
Randomize
