you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
I don't know. The next thing I remember we were in the walmart parking lot making out.
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
Did everyone make it back alive?
You say that with such hope.
Is that a no?
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
Thats not real though. Slash there are other extenuating circumstances to lead me to believe dick is wanted
HOLY FUCK I SPELLED EXTENUATING RIGHT ON THE FIRST TRY. IM THE BEST DRUNK NA
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
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