your life is more of a joke than dina lohan.
if you\'re going to compare me please pick the classy one. Michael Lohan.
i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
officially spring now- first drug bust of the season across the street.
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
Was just explained ingredients in a four loko. Puzzles of the universe starting to piece together.
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
She picked a quarter off the floor, kissed it "for luck" and won the $20,000 jackpot. She bought dinner and stayed sober to drive us home. This is a typical example of a visit with my sister.
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