I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
Managed to discreetly puke out of a moving streetcar window, in front of no less than a dozen people. Nobody saw/said anything. I feel like a legit local now.
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
VAGINAS ASSEMBLE!
I'm not seeing this movie with you.
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
So when this rash is gone wanna hang out?
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
I want to be her friend more than I want to fuck her boyfriend.
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
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