I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
I like the one of me you and her but you're looking at me...Total foreshadowing right there. I'm cropping it
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
Then that is decided. Fuck away my little bunny rabbit.
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
Damn victory sex feels great
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
Just saw Little Red Riding Hood riding a guy on hood of a car
Good for her for committing to the costume
Randomize
