i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
just found deep spiritual meaning in spongebob.... that high.
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
You can't mix blow jobs, bacon, and Star Wars.
A) just did. And b-z) that sounds like a great Sunday morning.
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
Got it in all night, now at a bar at 730 am and we are the only two people here. Somewhere my mid twenties father is applauding me.
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
Randomize
