I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
Don't interrupt me, I have a limited time to be high and thus be remarkably good at Pac Man
Just found out my brother beats off to Lauren Conrad. the Hills will never be the same.
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
Dude, the lecture theatre is caving in on me.
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
Woke up in time for my 8:15
Good for you I'm impressed
I realized 10 minutes in it was a class from last semester
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
Randomize
