my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
the australian girl literally just drank an entire pitcher of beer in about twenty seconds. i want to go to there.
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
You know darned well I have a well-documented weakness for redheads, Subway and hand-drawn graphic novels.
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
There were 16 girls and 31 titties. That’s how the club was. Lance doesn’t get to decide ever again.
Randomize
