Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
at one point i was feeding a guy sour cream chips and he made me make the "choo choo" noise as they were going in. \ni feel so much closer to him now.\n
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
No, I know her type. Tall, lanky, uses teeth when giving head, and runs like a giraffe. Don't do it man..
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
That would be a dream come true. Seriously, he's like my mount everest, my life's ambition is to climb him.
Go forth Daniel, drink, be merry... And meet some hot Asians for your friends to bang
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
Just had a serious discussion with my ex-boyfriend about sexy nurse vs. sexy teacher. So score one for friendship I guess.
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
You can't go around chasing people and screaming JUST LET ME LOVE YOU. We're in a public place.
There is a dude with blue hair and a samurai sword and another dude dressed as Dead Pool. I daresay standard social conventions are not applicable in this environment.
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
Randomize
