I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
I can't get out of the parking garage so now I'm staying downtown....Typical
We're pretty sure the 'pocket' aspect of the hot pocket is unnecessary. Testing our theory now.
He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
Hes laying on the floorn in the bathroom telling Jesus to raise the flag
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
I remember just enough about last night to wish I didn't remember anything.
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
So apparently someone caught him as he was falling. And carried him around the rest of the night.
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
Randomize
