did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
Hey guys, just to let you know, I have a boyfriend...so that hookup was kind of a one time thing.
was that a mass text??
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
the point i decided it was time to leave was when i was on the floor of the bar, after taking her down with me, and a table.
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
"guaranteed dick" "anywhere - her room, my room, trees, couch"
Sorry that was quotes about you from the grad student.
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
Randomize
