It was amazing what she could do with her one good arm.
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
What is the pluralization of human? I just got humen rejected, and I am going completely blank...
she met some random, took his vcard, peed in his bed, left, and then requested him as her boyfriend on facebook
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
Randomize
