the only thing i knew about you is that u dated jordan and were potentially interested in a threesome
my computer doesn't work...
why?
i puked on it last night
were with a gay guy with a minnesota accent. think about how funny that sounds.
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
Randomize
