I molested 6 butterflies tonight
her fupa was seducing me. this is the last time i'm doing shrooms.
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
he just used "boss" and "boner" in the same sentence. I cant respond.
I was ready to fuck him until he pulled the "I might be bi curious" card. Now its turned into a guilt fuck. It's like he's a 3rd world child in need of a sexual orientation.
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
Randomize