so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
I'd rather not be labeled as that girl who came over, drank a bunch of their alcohol, woke up the 5 year old, broke shit and left
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
Randomize
