giving a blow job on a jetski isn't as easy as it sounds.
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
Your sister got a Brazilian yesterday. It looks great
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
My reasons for going are selfish. She just opened her own law firm. I figure having a lawyer as a friend is a good idea. Nothing in my life suggests I won't need a lawyer again.
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
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