Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
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