How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
he asked me out through an event invitation on facebook, the title read Romantic Dinner For 2
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
Is it normal that every guy I hook up with tells me my hair is sexy as it's happening? Like that can't be normal
Judging by his bulge. This guy is going home with me. Who doesn't want a dick that looks like it used to be a pillar in Rome.
Might be using my graduation money to pay for an abortion.
I'm not saying you're stupid, just that you have bad luck when thinking...
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
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