new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
I have to date her we need a place to stay for tailgating
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
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