there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
Checked out the free sonogram van on campus and got a free DVD of my sweet food baby.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
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