I just peed in my kitchenbs sinlk. New low- maybe. am i embarrassed? Not in the least
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
Just used the D.E.N.N.I.S system successfully.
it was a 10 min screaming orgasm. i don't care that you were next door and didn't appreciate all the noise.
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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