fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
i can tell by the sound of your bed that he isnt that good at sex.
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here?
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
Adderal just makes me love life. I want to do so much. I just can't stop thinking about all the wonderful opportunities we have and how lucky we are and I want to make a difference in the world. I just have to reign in my brain and convince it that changing the world starts with a college degree, which depends on studying for these finals.
his face was nice enough, but his choice of footwear screamed columbian drug lord
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
Randomize
