By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
Rub youre cunt and tell me you love me.
Your incorrect use of you're doesn't arouse me in the slightest.
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
So you started off by saying "no homo," but patting his crotch and saying his jeans fit him wonderfully may have overshadowed that.
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
and here comes the time of my day when I haw to convince a guy to drive my cape and my handle to my dorm.
The only thing I know is that these arent my shoes and Aaron is missing and he has my house keys.
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
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