Sitting in the library lobby in the middle of exam week. Drunk. Dressed as santas slutty helper. Waiting for the student shuttle service. People are clapping for me as they walk by. Tell me how this isnt college
Can we ask the Hungry Howie's guy to pick up some blunt wraps on the way over?
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
I was giving him head and he slipped one of those hats with propellors on top on my head.
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
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