Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
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