how do chicks with those acryllic nails wipe their anuses?
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
Randomize
