I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
omg a stripper jus od'd on stage.
No more Irish car bombs ever.
Would it be cruel if i sold xanax instead of adderall to freshman unfamiliar to the drug-taking profession?
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
The last thing I remember is him grabbing my ass and telling me he knew where the jello shots were, so I followed him.
Just found a note from Saturday that says "rainy soft hair".... Any ideas?
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
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