My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
Ooooh. That's not a mole. Uncomfortable.
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
his cum shot went directly into his bellybutton. felt like i was playin ski ball
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
The guys are trying to figure out my orientation....think theyve settled on "drunksexual"
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
Randomize
