Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
this ms. usa coverage has sucessfully humbled every girl here. depressed fish in a leaky barrel. go!
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
when I went into his room, he was sleeping on his stomach, almost as if to silently say, "you're not touching my dick tonight".
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
Her tits are so fantastic they gave him a panic attack.
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
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