she told me she was pregnant in a never have i ever game
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
Thank you for FINALLY joining the Slutasorus Rex club in this conversation.
only i would grind with someone to harp music at a gay wedding
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
Randomize
