Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
That girl's pussy is like White Castles, you crave it once in awhile, but you know next morning you regret eating it.
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
we are cloud gazing and there is one that looks like a giant baby riding a dolphin and smoking a joint
i wish there was a reasonable explanation for why this reminds me of you
lets be honest. she's not NEARLY as much fun to fb creep since she got out of rehab...
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
We created a neighborhood watchdog drinking game
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
A good drinking club with a running problem, improves endurance in both I have observed this evening.
2 for 1 beer results in multiples of 2 so what should be a beer or two becomes 4 or 6. But running, alleviates the need for a DD.
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
Randomize
