I could make wine with my vomit
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
i went through the entire semester and only just now realized there's a girl in my history class that i've hooked up with.
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
I know. It's cray. Crayon. Crayolaaaaa.
What if we made a bunch of weed butter and then poured the butter into tiny rectangular molds and then chilled it so it was solid again and then wrapped it with the tin foil wrapping from restaurant butter and then left them at restaurants and wreaked utter havoc.
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
Randomize
