So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
I think they gave out some kind of ugly girl scholarship I don't know about...
She laid down on my bed and played "I want you to want me" on my laptop. subtle.
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
Would seriously like to slash his tires but then I feel like I'd have to deal with him longer.
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
Randomize
