Sandwiches eeeeeeverywhere.
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
did u get his digits?
yes his name is chazbangbangbang according to my phone...
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
Randomize
