I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
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