im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
i just woke up in the hallway. not my hallway. i officially raise my hand to be DD next week.
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
I'm slightly more gay than I thought. I'd go so far as to say I'm a top.
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
I'm like going proud parent over you doing drugs, this is so wrong.
I touched the butt once. 'Twas an experience with the greatness of legend. So I touched it once more.
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
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