What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
She walked in, looked at the bed, sniffed, sighed, and went to grab her cleaning supplies. I'd say she knows.
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
Randomize
