I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
Shaving your vagina at 8 months pregnant is not an easy chore.
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
Got home. All the lights were on. All the doors were unlocked. My room was covered in beads, there's puke in the sink and of course our toilet is still broke. I'd say it was a decent Mardi Gras
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
I mean you're asking high Chelsea. I'd sell myself for a rice crispy
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
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