whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
thats the mark of a good guy. when you can period all over his leg and he still thinks you're beautiful!
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
You would be so proud at how green we're being. Re-using last night's jello shot containers.. saving the world one step at a time
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
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