So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
honestly i just want a cigarette and someone to go down on me... are you interested in helping with either of those
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
Cocaine and dance dance revolution for 4 hours. I consider last night a success.
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
Randomize
