M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
Why can't I find a man that likes bush instead of a vagina that looks like it belongs to a prepubescent child!
Because men are children
Touche
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
I responded with "neat-o burrito" to his SEXT...he tried so hard and I just panicked.
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
Might be using my graduation money to pay for an abortion.
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
Wandering around the streets of Baltimore at two in the afternoon. Just offered a job as a stripper. Think I should accept?
Try an internship first, see if you enjoy it.
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
Randomize
