we sang "a whole new world" together. either he's my gay best friend or the love of my life.
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
Do you think if you have sex with a girl twin, her twin brother feels it to? Woke up at her house and they both have a look of disappointment on their faces.
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
Did your surprise acid trip turn out well?
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
He said that he had extra crunchy taquitos and wanted to go down on me.. I mean how could I say no?
Randomize
