Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
smoked weed with Joakim Noah last night....if he was half as fast to the basket as he is to grab a joint from me we'd have another championship on our hands
pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
CONGRATS VODKA, YOU WON RHIS TIME..
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
Randomize