My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
It's American, baby! There ain't nothin gross about America.
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
If I'm going to go gay, i'm not going to go for a tiny dick.
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
Is it a bad thing for a seven year old to call one an alcoholic? Asking for a friend..
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
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