I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
Fuck him tonight for the both of us. We're still tag-teaming in spirit.
every time i recognize a doctor or patient at the hospital on this rotation, i just pray it's not from my blackout saturday makeout slut moments...professionalism shouldn't count on weekends
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
Question: trumpet bong. Can it work.
He has blue eyes of sex and i am powerless against them
Doesn't tell me where my computer chair went but good to know
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
Randomize
