I'm on that like soy sauce on rice
I'm still drunk from last night...I walked out for a cigarette with one of the Janitors here and apparently someone took a shit on the stairs...Which makes me wonder...was that me?
she told me i tasted like america
He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
What do you mean how did you end up there? You told him he had a face you'd like to ride, that's a deal sealer in any language.
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
Randomize
