either fucking kiss her or kick her ass to the curb. Either way I can hear everything you are saying
He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
let me put it this way. im never saying "join in or get out" again unless i know whos in the room.
not sure what to think.... picked her up and her dad says "if you take her home, you'll regret it"
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
Randomize
