you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
no you cant smoke seaweed
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
I haven't filled him in on Operation "find a sugar daddy & suck dick for money" yet, but I'm sure he just wants me to be happy.
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
You should frame my arrest warrant.
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
Randomize
