You know you love balls. Don't act all "I-Don't-Love-Balls-ish"
he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
well the first picture of me in 2011 involves a viking helmet and chugging champagne. i like this year already.
i want to find a way to basically assault his face with my vagina.
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
Hey I'm sorry for head butting you last night. Personally I thought it was funny at the time, but I can see how from your perspective it may not have been as enjoyable for you... Hope your lip is okay.
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Randomize
