i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
I have another pimple on my ass cheek.
I'll be there in 10 minutes.
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
it's sunday funday. and also, who can outslut the other day.
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
Also I'm 95 percent positive we ate food naked together
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
