: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
He only uses me for sexual pleasure. The sad part is I don't even feel like a slut. I just I feel like I should just live in the top drawer of his nightstand....for free of course.
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
.It's like gods test of willpower against vaginal comfort
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
Randomize
