Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
Let's get back to talking about you giving me a blow job.
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
This girl has a mullet weave. I missed oakland.
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
I think he's having people over to watch him get way too drunk again
yep you were here saturday. if you woke up smelling like vanilla i can explain.
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
not only did he puke in his mouth and hold it.. He also sneezed while doing this
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
