got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
He always takes me to get taco bell after we hook up in his car. It's sort of become a booty call tradition.
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
4 out of 7 roommates in one month isn't that bad if you think about the fact that 3 of them were in the last 24 hours
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
i think i just lost a toe
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
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