I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
you probably should not have drank the wine that everyone spits out. and the sad part, that was not even your low point last night
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
you told grandpa to call you daddy
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
We were sitting in a hot tub debating how drunk we could get by osmosis if we kept spilling our drinks in it. This is what engineering college does to you.
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
If we all have the time, and the weather permits, and you have no plans, we should have another go at Operation Get Our Carless Friends Laid. All the lonely people will be out. We can take our lonely people out too.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
Just introduced myself to a group of people and one dude said "You're Marc!? I've heard many a legend of you." I raised bottle of champagne, said cheers, and drank with them.
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
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