Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
In class ... We were just assigned groups for the quarter... Remember that night we took shots from that guys pants? I now know his name
Are you absolutely against sleeping in your car? Because i've done that before.
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
I can't find a song to express how gay I'm feeling.
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
Decisions were made. The quality of them will be judged tomorrow
Randomize
