Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
i figure if i show enough tits, no one will notice my eyebrows.
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
WHY did you say no to the sex seance?
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
Fuck me I smell like cheese
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