i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
Wow. Thanks for becoming another fan of something on Facebook. You make me want to gouge my eyes out.
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
We'll I told him I wanted to keep it PG last night, but then later I asked him to take his pants off. So i'm guessing it was my fault.
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
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