just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
Dont have access to internet. masturbating to shake weight commercial.
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
he used the hotel microwave to cook the 16" pizza he bought at the walmart deli
He used a "food city great value" card to cut it
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
Update. A gay dude just told me I'm the most beautiful thing with a vagina he as ever seen. How should I feel about this?
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
Randomize
